One from the heart.

Emotions are funny ol' things and I for one prefer to keep them to myself. I hate crying in front of people and pride myself on always having my emotions in check. I'm definitely no Ice Queen and my heart is very much there, I just don't wear it on my sleeve, most certainly not. I think for me it's about weakness, I despise showing any signs of weakness and crying in front of someone when you just can't keep it all in, for me is the ultimate vulnerable situation. The sad thing about it is that certain people, aka nasty bastards relish in seeing other people at their most vulnerable and find a somewhat enjoyment in watching other people's lives unravel in front of their very eyes. These people are the one's who would offer their 'support and a shoulder to cry on' and would no doubt throw in the cliche 'i'm always here for you'. However they've no doubt already subconsciously chosen which flavoured popcorn to settle down with tonight to tune in and watch as your life is left in tatters. As I said nasty bastards. Now that i've given abrupt introduction, here's just the tip of the iceberg of my story.. 

My situation at the moment isn't life changing, nor is it the most painful thing that i've ever been through, but it means a great deal to me and was one of the saddest times of my life.. so for that reason it is important. I don't ask for anyone's pity or even their support, this is just my little place to think out loud and write it down. However what I do ask is that nobody ever enjoys watching my little bit of misfortune, because enjoying this would make you heartless. Plain and simple.  

We adopted my sister 10 years ago this year and although those ten years have not been all bad, they certainly have not been plain sailing. March 24th 2004 I became a big sister to a little five year old girl. With her strong Welsh accent, ridiculously long dark hair, tiny freckles and cheeky grin she was nothing that i'd ever pictured but she was mine and I was hers, forever. I was 9 years old and I remember making a promise to myself that whatever happened, wherever i'd go and whatever i'd do she would always be my sister, always. 

Fast forward ten years and here we are, i'm 19 and my sister is now 15 years old. She's not a little girl anymore and she doesn't need/want me to protect her, which is fine because i'll do it regardless. Cut a very long and upsetting story short, the adoption wasn't a fairytale ending. We didn't live happily ever after and it turns out that she wasn't mine forever. Teenage years are never easy but when my sister turned into a teenager it became as far away from easy as humanly possible. We had a lot of other things going on in our lives but my sister just overnight went from a lovely girl to a very troubled, soul destroying child. This took it's toll for a couple of years until it all became too much for us all as a family. 
Three days before Christmas in 2012 my sister went back into foster care and that was the last time she stepped foot into the home where we'd grown up together. 
I wasn't here when she left but when I returned home it hit me like nothing i'd ever felt before. In the weeks that passed after that we didn't see each other and I felt like I was grieving, as though she'd died. It's only now that I realise that I was grieving, I was grieving for the family that i'd had and one that would never be the same again. The house was so quiet, so quiet but it screamed a reminder that I was completely on my own, again. I felt as though I was a nine year old only child again, longing for companionship and someone to spend my time with. It was probably one of the saddest times of my entire life when she left.

Since she left my sister has moved area's numerous times, wherever she goes she causes some sort of destruction, therefore she's never in one place for very long. She's switched schools twice in four months and her life is just one big mass of instability and self-destruction. The main problem with my sister is that she's never satisfied. Having a loving, caring family wasn't enough for her, nothing will ever be enough for her and that's an issue that will follow her for the rest of her life. Will she ever find what she's looking for? I hope for her sake that she does. It's extremely hard to sit back and watch someone that you love hit the self-destruct button, it makes you completely helpless and constantly makes you question 'could I have done more?'. The answer will always for me be no, I couldn't have. I've stuck by my sister for the last ten years and I can confidently say that nobody has stuck by her the way that I have. It's been extremely patience testing and at times quite unbearable to stick by her with some of the heartbreaking things that she's done, but I promised ten years ago that she would always be my sister, no matter what. I've never once gone back on that, despite the numerous times that I've sworn that she's had my support 'for the last time'. If anyone has ever been in my situation then they know exactly how hard it is to walk away from a child who is not only vulnerable but one who just so happens to be your sibling. My only question is, how much can they push you away, utterly disappoint you, say awful things to you and ultimately remind you that you're 'not real sisters' before you take a deep breath and realise that there's nothing more that you can do. When is it time to walk away and accept the fact that nothing that you do can change, help, make them a better person. I really just don't know.  It's so easy to say that 'this is it' or that it's 'the last time' but I just don't think that there will ever be a time in which I say those words, mean them and stick to them. She needs me and although the majority of the time she doesn't think that she does, I know that she needs me and until she's old enough to make a conscious decision then i'm not going anywhere. I'll remain loyal, let people question why I do it, but i'll always have the comfort of being able to say that 'I did everything that I could'. 

There's moments when I look at her and I still see this damaged, yet content and happy five year old little girl and if anything it's a cruel reminder of just how different her life is now. She's not a bad person, and she's certainly not heartless. She has the ability to care for people, just in her own defensive type of way. I'll never know how she truly feels, because I don't think even she knows but I'm willing to keep trying until those barriers are broken down. 

I honestly don't know what the future holds for Gem, I can only hope that she figures out what she wants from life and finds something that makes her truly happy. Maybe if she found what she's been looking for, she wouldn't have to run away in search of finding it all the time. I don't think her life will ever be easy or straightforward, but if i've ever been sure of anything I know that she'll spend the rest of her life fighting her demons in search of her own fairytale ending. She's a force to be reckoned with and despite everything that we've been through, I love her, miss her and will always and forever be there for her. One day she'll realise that.

My childhood promise still remains, she will always be my sister, no matter what.
She is mine, and I am her's. 

Always. 

Until next time, 

Lucy 

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